What I want for xmas.

I want someone to put their arms around me and say they love me and mean it from the bottom of their heart.
I want someone to mop up my tears.
I want someone to listen to my deepest darkest secrets and not judge me.
I want someone to tell me I will be ok.
I want to feel wanted.
I want to be included.
I want to feel normal.
I want to be able to communicate.
I want to be asked questions.
I want somebody to check up on me.
I want someone cheering me on from the sidelines.
I want someone to believe in me.
I want someone to hold my hand when I'm scared.
I want someone to give me a slap when I'm being hysterical.
I want someone to call when I'm having a panic attack and I can't breathe.
I want somewhere safe to go when I can't stand my own home.
I want to be ok.

I never expected things to be black and white.
I just never realised how many shades of grey there are.

You could have made this easy.
You could have avoided this.

I hope you're hurting inside the way I am. Because this is your fault.

I'm not one for shifting the blame.
But I needed you and you weren't here.
And you still aren't.

I feel more love from people on the other side of the world.

People always let you down.
It's whether they make up for it after that counts.

Speech time.

I propose a toast.
To happiness and prosperity.
But the glasses smash.
The drinks spill.
And the tears inevitably fall.
If only we could wish this away.
If only a prayer would save me.
I thought I could rely on you.
You promised me.
And then you left it in pieces.
Time to put the barriers up.
Bubble wrap my heart.
I want a knife.
I want to cut myself free.
I'm tied down.
Can't get away.
I thought this meant something to you.
I'm always wrong.
Things never work out.
My head keeps aching along with my heart.
Time to say goodbye.

Time for things to change.

This means more to me than you realise.
I want to be me.
I want you to stop holding me back.
I'm tired of this constant struggle for freedom.
If I want to do it.
Then I shall.
It might not be right.
It might not be honest.
It might not be safe.
It might not be normal.
But it's not your decision to make.
This is mine.

sorry.

you are not in controL.

A letter.

To whom it may concern,

I hope you are well
Tucked up safe in your house where this can't hurt you.
I heard your call but forgot to respond.
It simply slipped my mind as it always does.
One day I will react.
I promise.
Tomorrow will be the start of our future
But I'm not ready for it.
I'm shedding my skin.
Literally but not metaphorically.
I wish I could let it all slip away.
I didn't mean anyone any harm.
It was all an honest mistake.
But dishonesty runs in my blood.
Ancient traditions lost in my dreams.
Time to modernise.
Get with the times.
I make it 22.46.
Did you hear the news?
I passed.
I have the pieces of paper to tell me so.
Why do I still feel like a failure?
The only person I've let down is me.
Disappointment runs rampant.
This isn't over yet.
I'll wait patiently for your response.
We must correspond more regularly.
Yours Truely,
The Queen of Broken Words.

Out in the orchard.

Little acorns turn into great oak trees.
You stunted my growth and now I'm left in the shadows.
Just a tiny weed in your orchard.

Eve ate the forbidden fruit so fuck it.
Why stop there?
I'll take my pick of the sweetest fruits you have to offer.
I'll pick them from the highest branches and I'll see you in hell.

We can watch the cycling of the seasons.
The nesting of the birds.
The falling of the leaves.
The blossom and the fruit.

You can't hide from time.
Time. Just. Keeps. Ticking.
If I stopped every clock in the world would time stand still?
Can I stay stuck in this moment?

Time rots us all.
Food for the earthworms.

It never changes.

My cheeks are damp because you disappointed me again.
Acid tears burning my face.

I want you to hold me and comfort me.
But at the same time I want to slap you and scream at you for making me feel like this.

I want to hate you so much.

This is getting tiring.

I need help.
Too many tears. Too many headaches. Too much heartache.
Not enough eating. Not enough sleeping. Not enough smiling.

I'm living life all wrong. Upside down and inside out.
I wish I could fix it.
Paper over the cracks.
Tape together the torn seams.
Hope your handy work holds everything together.

The storm will tear it apart again.

Watch me vanish.

It's me versus you.
I won't let you win.
Not now. Not ever.
I'm getting tired.
But I won't give in.

My hero shot down in flames.
A blink and it's over.

True love isn't a fairy tale.
I just don't know how it works.
Let's go back to square one.
The view was better back there.
Everything looks perfect from far away.

Did you notice how everything changed?
Did you see the damp creep in?

A shot without warning.
No amber light. Just green to red.
It's time to stop.
Slam on the breaks.

Quick.

Shoot me in the chest and in the head.

It will save us all time and effort.

Into the abyss.

Up the creek without a fucking canoe let alone a paddle.
Uptown glittering lights.
Upturned jars of hope and promise.
Upstream rapids.
Update on my downtrodden heart.
[Yes it's still bleeding, thanks for asking.]
Upgrade my disapproval of you.
Of everything you do and stand for, I thought you would prove me wrong but you never quite managed it.
Upbeat melodies but always droning, heartshattering lyrics.
I just cannot stay positive when everything is all wrong.
Uphill struggle. I owe you for the
Upkeep of my soul.
You keep it shimmering.
Uplift my spirits only to shoot them down again.
Shush can you hear the
Uprising on the streets? I'm rebelling against this torture.
Rally the crowds and start a campaign because this is all wrong.
Upset the peace for my own satisfaction.
Uproot the basics and start all over again.
Starts with a seed. Some dirt. Some water. Some light.
Hope it works out.
I'm waiting on the
Upswing before I let go.
Hope I land safely. Am I worth this
Upheaval?
Uphold your own beliefs. I can't do it for you.
I think it's time to clean the
Upholstery.
Time to lose the stains.
I've most certainly been
Upstaged.


I want to rise and soar.
But I just keep on falling.
Down && Down && Down && Down && Down && Down && Down && Down && Down

lies & gunshots

Did I forget to mention this is a lie?
Nothing.I.do.is.real.

String me up.
Put everything on the line.
It might just be worth it.

Who wants to take the first shot?
3...2...1...
Suddenly everyone has somewhere to be.

Well fuck you.

SOS

I'm caught in a downpour.
And there's a hole in my umbrella.
I can feel the drips sliding down my face.
Tears&&Rain.

I'm drowning in pools of sapphire.

You're supposed to love me unconditionally.

What does it matter if I cry?
I don't think you would even notice.

I don't know when you started to ruin my life.
Did it happen over night?
Or have you been doing it from the beginning?
Bit by bit.

I'm sorry I'm such a burden. You should have thought of that.
If I could walk away and not look back I would.
But we're doomed. Tied by our DNA.
Like charm on a necklace.
You hang me by my throat.
And
I
Just
Cannot
Get
Away.

I can't love you.
But I still can't hate you.

Why do you do this to me??

My head aches.

I feel sick.
I can't cope right now.
I can't deal with all of this.
I want it all to go away.

Why
Won't
It
Stop?

Goodevening.

I don't know why I'm here.
I don't need another blog.
But somehow I cannot resist.